love a good joke... and a lot of bad ones, too! I've assembled
some of my favorites for you. Later on down the road, I'll
break them down into different categories for your convenience.
About the French: (NEW) We'll invade Iraq, then
tasteless jokes: I hate to admit that I laughed at these
because they're so awful. Don't go there if you get offended
Life: A few chucklers about the things that happen after
the vows are exchanged.
Clean Jokes: G-rated
(but still funny)
chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's
unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed
the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager.
The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it,
and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed
a memorandum, which read as follows:
considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their
number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole
orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.
violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary
duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically
cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could
be obtained through the use of an amplifier.
was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an
excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes
should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were
done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.
purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that
has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant
passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from
two hours to twenty minutes.
of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given
attention to these matters, he probably would have had the
time to finish his symphony.
Use of Spoons
we took some friends out to a popular restaurant, and noticed
that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his
shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it.
However, when the busboy brought our water and utensils, I
noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked
around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their
pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked,
"Why the spoon?"
he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen
Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all
our processes. After several months of statistical analysis,
they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped
utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately
3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared
to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of
trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to
replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon
next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip
to get it right now."
rather impressed. I noticed that there was a very thin string
hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed
that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their
flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked
off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell
me why you have that string right there?"
certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not
everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned
also found out that we can save time in the restroom."
he continued," by tying this string to the tip of you
know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching
it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening
the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
you get it out, how do you put it back?"
he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't
know about the others, but I use the spoon."
from a Child's Perspective
a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they
spent the holidays. One child wrote the following:
used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They
used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded
and they moved to Arizona.
live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They
live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like
around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't
know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a
wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it
is all right now. They play games and do exercises there,
but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool
too, but they jump up and down in it with their hats on. I
guess they don't know how to swim.
gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting
in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes
they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same
thing every night-Early Birds. Some of the people can't get
past the man in the doll house to go out.
who do get out bring food back to the Wrecked center and call
it pot luck.
says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and
says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house.
Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."
Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited
in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized
that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.
raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of
course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.
later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed.
"I can't find it", he admitted.
sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should
go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy
looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.
minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the
teacher "I can't find it".
the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school
for a while, to help him find the bathroom.
and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return
and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy "Well,
did you find it?" Tommy is quick with his reply: "Oh sure,
he just had his boxer shorts on backwards"
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The
boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the
man replied he did not need a whole head, but only a half
said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
walked into the back room and said, "There's some asshole
out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."
was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man
standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman
wants to buy the other half."
okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager
called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a
lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with
the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet
and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
replied, "Minnesota sir."
Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.
replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"
replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday
afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment
was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report
on all the neighborhood activities.
began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
just drove by."
moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he
called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are
Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father
kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
St. Betty's "Christians Are Saving Homosexuals" - aka "C.A.S.H."
- group has listed a number of testimonials from the previously
-- Jesus Gave Me The One Thing I Lacked: Cachet! By David.
to tell you the most wonderful thing that ever happened in
my life. Mrs. Bowers' C.A.S.H. ministry led me out of the
pastime of homosexuality (the best $3,000 I ever spent!) -
and right into the arms of Jesus. Ever since that day, I am
never ever faced with a predicament that I don't have a ready
answer for. No matter the quandary, I can turn to Jesus -
and He will lead me to the right decision. All I ever have
to do is ask myself, "What would Jesus do?"
finding Jesus, I would go out shopping and haul back bags
of ill-conceived wardrobe accessories. No more! For example,
the other day I was at T. J. Maxx. I looked at a linen-colored
polo shirt. Then back at the periwinkle. Which one to buy?
I'd love to get both, but could barely
afford one. Two would be sinful. So, I asked myself what I
always ask myself when faced with such a moral dilemma: What
Would Jesus Do? The answer came to me immediately. He would
chose the linen. It has that deliciously understated quality
that would allow the King of Kings to mix without remark with
even the lowest dregs of humanity. And versatility is an important
component to any wardrobe. I grabbed the lighter shirt and
walked to the register with the sure step of purpose that
only comes from knowing God regards you as a smart shopper.
But just as I handed the sales clerk my linen polo, it hit
me. What Would Jesus Do? Yes, He would do linen. Definitely.
But only before the crucifixion. After the ascension, he would
surely go for the showier "look what I did" periwinkle. I
then knew that He meant for me to have both. Isn't God good
come to rely on Jesus for all my earthly decisions. When picking
wallpaper for the guest powder room, I surveyed hundreds of
samples at Home Depot and asked myself What Would Jesus Do?
He surprised me by going with a gold flocked number with red
cupids. Not something I would have chosen. But you should
see how well it works with red velveteen curtains! Since finding
Jesus, my life is so much easier.
at a restaurant with several yummy choices of specials, I
always ask What Would Jesus Do and am NEVER disappointed.
Even though Jesus tends to eat a lot more red meat than I
would care for (people who know they are never going to see
40 tend not to worry about cholesterol!), He has an unerring
sense for which vegetable colors most surprisingly complement
the palette of the sauce.
people say that even though homosexuals are sick and going
to Hell, they have the best taste in things. So, isn't this
the cutest little ironic twist of them all? Since leaving
homosexuality, thanks to the fabulous discrimination and knowingly
retro sense of Jesus, my taste in clothing, food and car accessories
has never been more keen. Jesus Christ has given me the one
thing that was always lacking in my life - cachet! I am the
envy of my friends! Praise the Lord!
from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving
the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, we have a
deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us
this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily
chicken....' then we will donate $500 million dollars to the
responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word
of the Lord and it must not be changed."
says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion
to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us
this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily
the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word
of the Lord and it must not be changed."
the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate
$5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from
'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day
our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.
day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that
he has good news and some bad news.
news is that the Church has come into $5 billion."
news is that we're losing The Wonderbread Account!"
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted
by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular
I can show you?" he asked.
I want to buy a sexual sofa."
a sectional sofa," he suggested.
schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional
piece in the living room!"
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker
is wearing an earring.
knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow,
and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were
make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
How long have you been wearing one?"
since my wife found it in our bed."
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for
a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly,
the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts
of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot
grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had
better jump, and then he bailed out.
there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed
one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,"
and jumped out.
then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people
in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute
looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long
and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead
of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not
to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took
off with my back pack."
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead
by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give
anything to sink this next putt."
walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth
of your sex life?"
thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless.
At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he
says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles
to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another
fourth of your sex life?"
shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole,
the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says
nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you
be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this
says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.
golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside
and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because
you don't know who I am. I'm the Devil, and from now on you
will have no sex life."
to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
Top Ten Things Men Know About Women...
A car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd
gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story,
could not get near the car.
a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, Let me through!
Let me through! I'm the son of the victim.
made way for him.
in front of the car was a donkey.
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked
if the priest would hear his confession.
my son," said the priest.
Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman
knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans.
I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,"
said the priest.
worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay
for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the
it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk --
you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans
had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and
mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,"
said the priest.
Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind.
Can I ask another question?"
my son," said the priest.
man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"
An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then
pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts
him on the counter. As he's drinking one drink and the green
man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who
has had a few too many drinks says "Hey, what's that little
green thing down there?"
man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, "SPLBLBLBT!,"
right in the face and runs back to the Irishman.
mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that
replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."
right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to
or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that
leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!" he says. The leprechaun
runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a spit bath again
the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if
he does that again I'll cut his dick off!" he shouts.
do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have dicks."
they pee, then?" asks the Englishman.
don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBT."
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby
camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?"
replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes
will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."
said the son.
minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great
are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through
Mom," replies the son.
a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I
got these great big humps on my back??" The mother, now a
little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to
help us store water for our long treks across the desert,
so we can go without drinking for long periods."
great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long
eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to
store water, but Mom..."
good is all of this doing us in the San Diego zoo?"
A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time.
He was struggling with the language and didn't understand
a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of
the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on
track and found the place.
arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew
left was the one on the front row.
not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone
out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting
next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped
his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too.
man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too.
When the man sat down, he sat down.
man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held
the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't
understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just
like that man in the front pew.
perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People
clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was,
and so the recruit clapped too.
preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he
saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too.
a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped.
He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So
he sat down.
the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking
the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit
stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher
said, in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."
recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"
yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family
had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me.
She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all
hours of the night and more.
me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking,
classical music and how to invest in the stock market."
like you may be bitter because she spent so much time trying
to change you."
bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough
One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island
all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.
the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the
possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde
woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've
had a cigarette?"
over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and
pulls out a pocket of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights
it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that
asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of
he replies, "Ten Years!"
over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls
out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes
a long swing, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"
starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the
front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks,
"And how long has it been since you've played around?"
with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Lord God!" "Don't
tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing
and somewhat lively reaction on him.
he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they
would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through
with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made
the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
after that they were married.
months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down
and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and
told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him.
he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk
off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and
ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of
baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time
he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner
a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of
the table and made him promise not to peek.
point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just
as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone
rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned,
and away she went to answer the phone.
she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight
to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a
rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his
napkin and fanned the air about him.
just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He
raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.
He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the
windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute
later the flowers on the table were dead.
keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway,
and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried
on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning
each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands
on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence
when his wife walked in.
for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner
table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the
blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around
the table for his surprise birthday party.
the number for Sherry Schwartz in Phoenix, Arizona," a Brooklyn
boy said to the operator.
are multiple listings for Sherry Schwartz in Phoenix, Arizona,"
the operator said. "Do you have a street name?"
man hesitated, "Well...most people here just call me Izzy."
and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day the
wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely
dejected. The strong man asked him what he was going to do.
answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going
to find another woman of her caliber."
was up. Feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Knives were
up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was
trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued a slow
decline. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock
bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed
at an even keel. Balloon prices were inflated. And batteries
exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.